Aku Keguguran
Kehamilan Pertama
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Vandana & family
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21 Juli 2006, adalah hari yang tak terlupakan dalam hidup saya. Itu adalah hari bayi saya kembali ke pangkuan Yang Mahakuasa. Dia berusia sekitar 17-minggu-tua ketika itu terjadi. Setelah keguguran, aku merasa sangat kosong dan merana. Rasanya seperti dunia saya runtuh. Awalnya, aku tak tega melihat janin, namun setelah beberapa melakukan perenungan, dan dorongan dari suami saya, saya memutuskan untuk mengucapkan perpisahan padanya.Bergulat dengan rasa kehilanganSaya butuh waktu untuk meratapi kehilangan saya. Saya juga memanfaatkan waktu untuk meninjau kembali berbagai hubungan yang ada, dan fisik, emosional, intelektual dan perspektif keuangan tentang bagaimana hal-hal yang telah membentuk dalam hidup saya. Sementara aku selalu merasa siap untuk menjadi seorang ibu, alam semesta ternyata jelas punya rencana yang berbeda untuk saya. Akhirnya, aku berhasil mengatasi rasa sakit dan melanjutkan hidupku. Aku kembali bekerja, namun sebelumnya aku berlibur panjang selama sebulan untuk mengunjungi Selandia Baru yang menakjubkan.Memiliki tujuan lainEnam bulan kemudian, ada ‘roti’ dalam ‘oven’ kami lagi! Anda hanya dapat membayangkan betapa menggembirakan kami. Trimester pertama melesat dengan begitu cepat. Aku berhati-hati untuk memastikan semua yang saya lakukan adalah benar.Selama trimester kedua, kami mengambil istirahat dan pergi ke Bangkok. Perut saya hampir tidak menunjukkan bahwa saya hamil tetapi aura kehamilan jelas terlihat. Saya memiliki kulit indah, rambut saya tumbuh tebal dan aku banyak mendapat seluruh perhatian. Kami memiliki waktu mengagumkan mutlak Bangkok perendaman dalam suasana penuh semangat.Di trimester ketiga, aku mulai merasa “berat”. Daripada mengambil risiko, saya memutuskan untuk mengunjungi dokter kandunganku. Saya masuk rumah sakit dua hari karena diduga akan melahirkan. Dua hari itu sangatlah sangat traumatis saat aku pikir semua akan begitu baik. Mimpi buruk yang mengintai kehilangan bayi saya kembali seperti bayangan buruk. Untungnya, setelah beberapa tes dan periode observasi, ternyata itu hanya alarm palsu dan aku diperbolehkan pulang. Aku disarankan untukbersantai. Itu berarti tidak boeh lagi , berolahraga atau bahkan keluar sendiri. Setiap kali saya pergi untuk cek-up, seorang anggota keluarga akan menemaniku.
Masa melahirkan saya a cukup pendek seperti aku butuh operasi c-section. Setelah ketuban mulai bocor sekitar pukul 7:30, aku tiba di rumah sakit setelah 2 jam dan bayi sayadilahirkan di 11:56. Aku memilih epidural ketika aku diminta untuk tetap sadar untuk mendengar pertama bayi saya menangis. Kegembiraan mendengar teriakan pertamanya adalah sepadan dengan pemulihan setelahpersalinan.
Semuanya berhasil dengan baikSetiap hari aku selalu berterima kasih kepada Tuhan atas segala rahmatnya. Seluruh pengalaman ini juga membuat suami saya lebih dekat dengan saya. Selama kedua kehamilan, ia ada untukku di setiap saat. Meskipun dia punya jadwal sibuk, ia sengaja untuk menghadiri semua pemutaran dan bahkan kelas antenatal di Kandang Kerbau Hospital. Setelah persahabatan dan dukungan-nya tentu semakin meningkatkan ikatan antara kami sebagai suami dan istri. Dengan rahmat Allah, mungkin kita menjadi orangtua yang baik dan dibimbing untuk membesarkan anak kami.
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Hi Vandana,
congrats for being a 1st time mum! it pays off to go through the perseverence of bad times. U totally deserve this gift fr God =)
Congrats. I’m sure the miscarriage is a blessing in disguise. I’ve had several miscarriages before my first child arrived. You’re right on about the bond. I now have a perfect husband and a perfect daddy for our daughters! We have both matured and learned about our experiences.
Congratulations on your beautiful child!
I have personally also had pregnancies that did not end up with a child in my arms. I believe each experience, as heart-wrenching as it can be, serve as good lessons to be learnt.
As controversial as this may sound, sometimes we might not be ready enough for a child, and thus have to wait for another chance again.
Congrats! I had a miscarriage too, last 2 years, happened on my very birthday! Only God knows how it feels. Thank God few months after that I conceived again and delivered a baby boy on Sept 08.
So sorry for your loss. A healthy pregnancy and new baby can never replace the one that was lost. Life goes on, but we never forget:
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don’t offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
-Don’t say, “It’s God’s Will.” Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don’t presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God’s Will, that doesn’t make them less terrible.
-Don’t say, “It was for the best – there was probably something wrong with your baby.” The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don’t try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don’t say, “You can always have another one.” This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, “Where’s the fork?” I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don’t say, “Be grateful for the children you have.” If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don’t say, “Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it.” I loved my son. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him.
-Don’t say, “Isn’t it time you got over this and moved on?” It’s not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it’s a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine – or yours.
-Don’t say, “Now you have an angel watching over you.” I didn’t want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.
-Don’t say, “I understand how you feel.” Unless you’ve lost a child, you really don’t understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
-Don’t tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don’t pretend it didn’t happen and don’t change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, “Before the baby died…” or “when I was pregnant…” don’t get scared. If I’m talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn’t happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
- Don’t say, “It’s not your fault.” It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn’t do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn’t even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can’t imagine.
-Don’t say, “Well, you weren’t too sure about this baby, anyway.” I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn’t prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn’t afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn’t take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn’t know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn’t the same as wanting my child to die – I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, “I am so sorry.” That’s enough. You don’t need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, “You’re going to be wonderful parents some day,” or “You’re wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you.” We both need to hear that.
-Do say, “I have lighted a candle for your baby,” or “I have said a prayer for your baby.” Do send flowers or a kind note – every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don’t resent it if I don’t respond. Don’t call more than once and don’t be angry if the machine is on and I don’t return your call. If we’re close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don’t resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you’re my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family – not a medical condition.
-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I’m going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one – I need time and space.
DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON’T ask why I can’t come.
Please don’t bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don’t share that with me right now. It’s not that I can’t be happy for anyone else, it’s that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there’s a good chance that I’m still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You’ll know when I’m ready – I’ll be the one to say, “Did your daughter have her baby?” or, “How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven’t seen him around the office in a while.”
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word “miscarriage” is small and easy. But my baby’s death is monolithic and awful. It’s going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.